life lately

this is not a christmas post. sorry. there has been a lot going on over the last few months that has not be pleasant or happy or sunshine-y. i don’t want to weigh my blog down with sad posts but pretending everything is perfect doesn’t seem right either. so read if you want, or pass and hopefully i’ll have a sunshine post soon. i really hope i do.

a few months ago i had to deal with something that was very scary and painful and life threatening. i’m still dealing with it. maybe i’m not handling it as well as i should be. i don’t know. well probably. i should be braver, stronger, more grateful, etc.

i went to talk to someone about what was going on and they referred me to someone else. i talked to the second person. they referred me to talk to someone else. i talked to the third person… which was a disaster. opening up to three complete strangers (and then being “sent away”) was humiliating and difficult to say the least. the thought of trying again with a fourth person, well, feels too overwhelming. but unfortunately, probably necessary. but for now i’m left feeling incredibly frustrated.

during this time my family sort of well, imploded. there’s a lot of hurt and anger between my siblings and my parents. i’m not going to air my family’s dirty laundry on the internet but somehow in the midst of problems that i’m not involved in, i became a target for their combined anger. one thing i’ve learned is that people usually lash out at people that they know will be most likely to forgive them when everything blows over. so i’m counting on it all blowing over and am trying not to give into my own hurt feelings.

i was living alone, which led to a serious lack of sleep and increased anxiety. i’ve always loved sleep and sleep like a log. i had no idea what is was like to just not be able to fall asleep or to fall asleep and wake up multiple times throughout the night. i’ve thought about taking melatonin or looking into other sleep aids but i think deep down i don’t want to sleep. i mean i want to sleep but i feel like i need to be alert and wake. so harlow and i moved in with a friend and her family. it was hard to accept their generous offer but i was so grateful when they showed up at my house, packed me up and moved me in. and i feel so grateful for their kindness and patience. and honestly it’s been a good distraction. (3 kids, two bunnies, 2 geckos, 2 dogs = good distraction).

and christmas. i usually love, love, love christmas. i was singing christmas songs (in my car) back in september. maybe i used up all my christmas cheer prematurely. it will be weird not to spend christmas with my family this year especially since they all live nearby. i love my saviour and love to celebrate his birth and this life. but i’d sort of like to skip the rest.

and to top it all off i’m so frustrated with myself. i want to be happy and shiny and get excited about holiday things and laugh at stupid things. i go between telling myself i’m a whiney, selfish, grinch, baby who just needs to get it together and realizing that i probably should cut myself a little slack and give myself time to grieve and heal.

ten things

1. lying under a pile of heavy blankets
2. cool breezes and crunchy autumn leaves
3. the puppy sighing in the next room
4. priesthood blessings
5. quiet mornings
6. warm cups of lavender mint tea
7. hot showers
8. twinkle lights
9. handwritten notes
10. precious, precious sleep

i was going to call this a happiness list but really it’s a list of ten things that have brought a few moments peace. i’m trying to find more of them.

beautiful words

I’ve been reading a lot lately and the other day I rediscovered these beautiful words by rainer maria rilke.

“You mustn’t be frightened…if a sadness rises in front of you, larger than any you have ever seen; if an anxiety, like light and cloud-shadows, moves over your hands and over everything you do. You must realize that something is happening to you, that life has not forgotten you, that it holds you in its hand and will not let you fall…
bear in mind that sickness is the means by which an organism frees itself from what is alien; so one must simply help it to be sick, to have its whole sickness and to break out with it, since that is the way it gets better. In you so much is happening now; you must be patient like someone who is sick, and confident like someone who is recovering; for perhaps you are both. And more: you are also the doctor, who has to watch over himself. But in every sickness there are many days when the doctor can do nothing but wait. And that is what you, insofar as you are your own doctor, must now do, more than anything else.”

and this morning i found these words in my horoscope:

“…all of creation loves you very much. Even now, people you know and people you don’t know are collaborating to make sure you have all you need to make your next smart move.”

true or not it’s nice.

dig yourself a hole

bekka sent this to me from seth godin’s blog and it was exactly what i needed.

Make big promises.

Burn your boats.

Set yourself up in a place where you have few options and the stakes are high.

Focused energy and serious intent will push you to do your best work. You have nowhere to run, nowhere to hide. (Better than the alternative).

when i was 19 i moved to london on my own. i’d never lived away from home, i’d never been out of the country, i only knew the family i was staying with through a handful of emails but off i went… without a second though.

and here i am years later, wanting desperately to move, to go somewhere new and now there are a thousand little voices in my head saying “but what if it doesn’t work out?”, “what if you don’t find a job?”, “what if you find a job and it’s worse than the one you have?”, “shouldn’t you save more money first?”, “maybe just wait another month…”

who am i? i’ve gotten so good at looking before i leap that i leap less and less. i’m afraid i’ve gotten comfortable in my rut. but that’s not even true. i’m very uncomfortable in my rut. i told my home teacher on sunday i was going to stay here for the rest of the year and move in the new year. i didn’t sleep a wink that night and had that kittens-drowning-in-my-stomach feeling for the rest of the day.

i think i’m ready. i’m ready to work hard and pray hard and challenge myself. harlow’s ready too.

photo by red_one

little letters


dear sunny day,
welcome back.

dear harlow honey child,
sorry you’re so itchy. you’re my favorite.

dear paul mitchell lavender mint shampoo,
you are my second favorite.

dear watermelon and peaches and blueberries,
you make breakfast so delicious.

dear twitter,
i don’t know what i did all day at work before you.

dear new apartment,
i know you’re out there somewhere.

dear paris,
see you in october… maybeeeee!

dear bloggers friends,
you’re the best.

have a wonderful weekend


i took this photo with my iphone last spring while riding the coast starlight express up the california coast. it was my first train ride since moving back from the uk.

whatever you’re doing this weekend i hope it’s fun. and i hope you’re staying away from the crazy la traffic. if i never hear the word “carmageddon” again it will be too soon.

see you monday!