dig yourself a hole

bekka sent this to me from seth godin’s blog and it was exactly what i needed.

Make big promises.

Burn your boats.

Set yourself up in a place where you have few options and the stakes are high.

Focused energy and serious intent will push you to do your best work. You have nowhere to run, nowhere to hide. (Better than the alternative).

when i was 19 i moved to london on my own. i’d never lived away from home, i’d never been out of the country, i only knew the family i was staying with through a handful of emails but off i went… without a second though.

and here i am years later, wanting desperately to move, to go somewhere new and now there are a thousand little voices in my head saying “but what if it doesn’t work out?”, “what if you don’t find a job?”, “what if you find a job and it’s worse than the one you have?”, “shouldn’t you save more money first?”, “maybe just wait another month…”

who am i? i’ve gotten so good at looking before i leap that i leap less and less. i’m afraid i’ve gotten comfortable in my rut. but that’s not even true. i’m very uncomfortable in my rut. i told my home teacher on sunday i was going to stay here for the rest of the year and move in the new year. i didn’t sleep a wink that night and had that kittens-drowning-in-my-stomach feeling for the rest of the day.

i think i’m ready. i’m ready to work hard and pray hard and challenge myself. harlow’s ready too.

photo by red_one

little letters


dear sunny day,
welcome back.

dear harlow honey child,
sorry you’re so itchy. you’re my favorite.

dear paul mitchell lavender mint shampoo,
you are my second favorite.

dear watermelon and peaches and blueberries,
you make breakfast so delicious.

dear twitter,
i don’t know what i did all day at work before you.

dear new apartment,
i know you’re out there somewhere.

dear paris,
see you in october… maybeeeee!

dear bloggers friends,
you’re the best.

have a wonderful weekend


i took this photo with my iphone last spring while riding the coast starlight express up the california coast. it was my first train ride since moving back from the uk.

whatever you’re doing this weekend i hope it’s fun. and i hope you’re staying away from the crazy la traffic. if i never hear the word “carmageddon” again it will be too soon.

see you monday!

use your whole heart, it’s good for you

elizabeth wrote this post awhile ago and this phrase has been running through my head since i read it.

this year i’ve really be trying to do things that are good for me: eating healthier, exercising more, being tidier, reading my scriptures more. you get the idea. i feel like i’ve been pretty successful at those things and that makes me happy.

but i don’t feel like i’ve been using my whole heart. i hold back a huge chunk. it’s not something i’m proud of and i’m not sure how to change it. when i was in high school my favorite teacher and mentor would often remind me that i had a tendency to hold back. his motto was “you never lose by trying, you only lose by holding back.” i knew he was right but i didn’t know what to do about it.

in her post elizabeth mentions this ted talk. i’ve listened to it twice now and i’m sure i’ll listen to it again. she talks about the necessity of being vulnerable and the willingness to do things where there are no guarantees and the importance of letting go of who you think you should be in order to be who you are. that really resonated with me. she talks about the power that comes from living whole-heartedly. it’s a great talk.

holding back has a lot to do with fear. if i allow myself to be vulnerable then people might not like me or might judge me or the things i’ve been through. but if i don’t let them see my whole self/heart and they don’t like me well, it’s okay, because they don’t really know me. you see, it’s not a pretty cycle.

i’m not even really sure what i’m trying to say. i think i’ve just reached a point in my life where i’m realizing that if i want my life to progress the way i want it to i need to use my whole heart and stop being afraid or ashamed or whatever it is that’s standing in my way. that said there are some things i need to do. i’ve referred to them as “scary things” before but now they are just necessary things so that i can live my life with my whole heart. it’s not something i’m looking forward to. that sounds really weird and cryptic but basically i just need to deal with some things and let them go. it terrifies me but i know it will be good for me and for the people around me. i want to be the best version of me. that version is a whole-hearted person.

sorry if this post is a little weird. it’s been on my mind a lot lately so i thought i’d share it with you. maybe i’m not alone in my fear of being vulnerable or maybe i am and i can learn from all of you wonderful souls.

also i cannot express how much i enjoy elizabeth’s blog. i love the way she embraces and loves her life and her family and finds beauty in the world. if you haven’t visited her blog then you’re missing out on something beautiful.

and how great is that photo by eva? i love it.

less is more… right?

i’ve been talking about moving for way too long and for one reason or another i’m still here. but that is a whole different post.

anyway, as i’ve started going through my stuff i’ve become overwhelmed about the amount of “stuff” i have. i desperately want to downsize.

i want my possesions to be few and meaningful.

i know i should toss the old hoodie that used to belong to a certain boy. i know i probably don’t need to keep all of my old birthday cards or all of my train tickets from when i moved to wales. i know there are certain items of clothing or shoes that haven’t been worn in months that can go. but i need help. that sounds crazy but when i get into “downsizing” mode i sort of get that deer-in-the-headlights look and panic. i also fear getting rid of too much and then replacing it all. not good.

so how do you decide what to keep and what to toss? do you have a system?

please help.


the deer in the headlights

photo by elaine h

most wanted

i just got back from a quick trip to utah to visit friends. the driving part wasn’t quick.. it was very, very long. just ask harlow. she’s currently passed out in the middle of the kitchen.

but on sunday after church i was hanging out with billie and brian and we were killing a little time before dinner with billie’s family and having some snacks and brian said something like he could just eat right now to which billie replied, “don’t give up what you want most for what you want now.”

i kept thinking about that all the way home. how often do i sacrifice what i want most for what i want right now?
but more importantly what do i want most?

i’ll have to take this list up with my journal but i’ll share a few that i thought about on the (long) drive home:

a husband
a family of my own
eternal life
good health
to be surrounded by good people
for my family to be well and happy

i don’t want to sacrifice anything on this list for anything in the world. not sacrificing takes courage, faith, and a lot of heart. thanks billie for always being a good friend and helping me to be a better person.

photo by nick burns

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weekend in la

harlow and i made a quick trip to LA this weekend. the rain stopped and it was sunny and blue. thank goodness.

i went to the temple on saturday.

and harlow almost got us kicked out of our room… but i snuck her back in! she was as good as gold but i was nervous that we’d get kicked out so i didn’t get much sleep.
(and fyi the front desk said it was okay to bring her but the security guard said she wasn’t allowed…ugh!)

i took my new (to me) pentax camera i got from jen out for a little bit. we’ll see how it turns out when i finish the roll of film.

and then we hit up the oh.ban.fest yard sale. hot dang i scored some great things and got to meet bri, jen, joy, paige, em, jasmine and i’m probably forgetting some other blog/twitter friends. SO fun! it was also pretty funny introducing myself as “joiebutter”… make sure you pick a blog/twitter name you like!

harlow loves her new bed from bri… she loves it! and i took home a few of these ladies from jen.

then we headed home to watch the oscar’s and visit with my cousin who was in town. i’m ready to head back to la now!

granny goose

my great grandmother, my granny is 97 years old and she’s incredible. she lives alone, drives all over the country (not at night), is sweet, funny and just feisty enough to keep her young.

she had minor surgery earlier this week and did great but we had to take her to the hospital last night because she wasn’t feeling well. the doctors are keeping her till monday but she’s okay. they just want to keep an eye on her. even though she’s been “old” my whole life i’ve never thought of her as old. she’s just granny. i know i’m lucky to have her in my life and i feel so blessed that we have such a close relationship.

i asked her tonight if she needed me to bring her anything while she was in the hospital. her request? her lipstick.

aren’t grandparents wonderful?

all this sunshine

all this sunshine pouring in through my bedroom window this morning is making me happy. you can’t really tell from this iphone photo but it’s bright. and warm. so i got up, brushed my teeth, cooked breakfast, fed harlow, washed up, brushed my teeth again, opened all the windows wide, put the beatles on, and feel ready to face a new day/week/month. i’m excited to spend next weekend in la and meet some new friends.

even if it’s not sunny where you are i hope you have a wonderful week. xo