brooke posted this video the other day years ago and i saved it because i thought it was beautiful and interesting. so now, six years later, i’m sharing it because i still think it’s beautiful and interesting.
i was just reading stephanie’s posts on their family themes and this quote came to mind.
there’s no going back. no matter how hard i pray and cry and wish.
all that’s left is to move forward.
and i’m trying. sometimes it’s fearfully, ungratefully, haltingly, stubbornly, slowly, and painfully but “even those who limp go not backwards.” (gibran)
getting a little off topic, but not really… have you read the great divorce by cs lewis? it’s one of my favorite books. in the book the inhabitants of hell get to visit heaven and, if they choose, can stay there. there’s nothing in the world stopping them. but most of them don’t. they choose to go back to hell. the ghosts talk of their lives and sorrows and injustices and at one point in the book the author is told “heaven, once attained, will work backwards and turn even that agony into a glory.”
i think that’s true. it’s a tall order but i truly believe it’s possible. whatever the details, the whole can still be beautiful.
do you have family or personal mottos?
i don’t know why in my mind self care has a negative connotation. maybe because i associate it with other self words like self pity, self-centered and selfish.
when i went into the rape crisis center the woman there cheerfully chirped, “take care of yourself. have a bubble bath… get a pedicure!” and i wanted to hit her. hard. in the face. with a chair. (to be fair i’m sure she said more than that but i don’t remember.) i was scared and angry and my brain latched on to what seemed the most ludicrous statement and i vowed to never get a pedicure or take a bubble bath again. after the miscarriage i was told basically the same thing. “just relax. try taking a bubble bath.” by that point my head was in such an awful, messed up place that the last thing i wanted was anything to do with myself. i wanted away from my self, out of my body, far away from this life.
the other day when i was at a very low point i shared some of the feelings i had about myself… and they weren’t the great. it was pointed out that if i said the things i say to myself to another person i’d be a bully and a kind of a jerk. ugh.
i feel like i see and hear the term self care all over the place lately. i’m working on finding the balance between self pity and self care.
“Self care refers to actions and attitudes which contribute to the maintenance of well-being and personal health and promote human development.”
i guess what i’m finally realizing is that i am still here. that life is stubborn. it goes on. it’s going to go on. it goes on whether i’m curled up on my bed hiding out or trying to put the pieces of my life back together and keeping enjoying life. if it’s going on go on it may as well be enjoyable. it’s worth trying, right?
things to start:
buy myself fresh flowers
prepare little meals, even if it’s just for me
wear a bright lipstick
keep my desk tidy so it’s a place i want to be
download some new music turn it up
be diligent with my personal prayer and scripture study
spend time with friends
use exercise to work out some of the nervous tension
get my eyebrows done every once and awhile
stop using the word fine – good or bad, be authentic
start a photo challenge: nature/self portrait/ whatever
go to the temple
take deep breaths
things to change:
take my prescriptions without calling myself weak
cry when i need to without calling myself a baby
say no when i’m overwhelmed without calling myself selfish
reach out when i need to without calling myself pathetic
search for a new job without calling myself a loser
spend time with people i love without questioning my worth
forgive myself when i slip without beating myself up
have you heard of this? after natalie posted hers i became kind of obsessed with the idea. i think it’s a good thing for two reasons:
1. it has totally kept me busy in between searching for a job and avoiding the yucky parts of life right now.
2. i am pretty sure hoarding tendencies run in my family.
i’ve always been drawn to the idea of minimalism. when i read about how people live minimally i think they must be really self actualized or have incredible self control – two qualities i very much admire. that being said i love to shop. like, it really makes me happy. sometimes even if i know i’ll probably never (or rarely) wear something i’m so drawn to a color or pattern that i end up buying it. and that, my friends, is how you end up on an episode of hoarders.
minimalist wardrobes aren’t a new thing. diana posted this years ago and i saved it because i was just so fascinated with the idea of having a tiny wardrobe. and even longer ago erin did a thirty items for thirty days challenge. so with these lovely ladies as inspiration i decided to take the plunge.
first things first i downloaded caroline’s capsule wardrobe planner and spent days browsing my pinterest boards to figure out what my style is. i still don’t really know… but as i pinned away the words that came to mind were preppy, boho, pink.
comfort: i want my clothes to fit well and be comfortable. this seems like the biggest “duh” statement but i either buy things a little too big because i don’t want them to be tight or am feeling self conscious and then end up feeling sloppy and self conscious or i hang try to make things work that aren’t quite the right size or style and end up feeling uncomfortable and self conscious.
feminine: i like a little pink or a ruffle detail here and there. i enjoy wearing skirts and dresses, and with tights. i like a some sparkle. ban.do always saves the day here.
modest: i kind of dread using that word. if anyone says “modest is the hottest” i’ll poke them in the eye. i feel most comfortable covered up. i don’t care if it’s hot or not.
structured: i really love the peasant, flowy look but it just doesn’t work for me. i promise i would wear peasant tops and chiffon skirts all day long if i could. but one thing i’ve learned about my style is that a little structure helps me feel more put together and more confident.
my have-it-all-together date is september 21st. totally doable. i think. it’s actually turned out to be a lot more effort than i anticipated. i feel like the end result will be a good thing but right now there are piles and boxes of clothes and empty hangers everywhere. my poor harlow is under the bed… which is probably a good idea.
have you ever done a capsule wardrobe? or a mini wardrobe? are you going to?
top image from ny mag featuring chloé pieces, hunting down sources for the other images
“foggy whirlwinds may be your intimate companions. being up-in-the-air could be your customary vantage point. during your stay in this weird vacationland, please abstain from making conclusions about its implications for your value as a human being. remember these words from author terry braverman: “it is important to detach our sense of self-worth from transitional circumstances, and maintain perspective on who we are…”
for the last several months things have been fine. really, actually fine. not great, not awful but fine. and fine has been good enough. the last few weeks, however, have felt like one step forward, 300 steps back.
but i’ve faithfully stuck to my motto of “i’m fine” because it seems like the polite thing to do. i mean, honestly shouldn’t there be a moratorium on how long you’re allowed to feel bad about something? shouldn’t i spare my friends the same old sadness? but saying “i’m fine” while there’s a dinosaur dying a slow death in the pit of your stomach, or when all you want to do is lie down on the sidewalk and just stay there, or when you have to walk two blocks in the dark and immediately burst into frightened tears is no fun.
my solution for the last few weeks has been to hide out. keeping myself inside and busy with ridiculous things like ironing my bedding, spending way too much time on pinterest, vacuuming 4 times a day (no, really) and rearranging my bookshelves obsessively isn’t really a great solution either. and i hate ironing.
my point: depression sucks. it’s frustrating and boring and lonely and scary. hopefully it’s just part of my weird “vacationland”.
good natured friends have pointed out that i have a valid reason to be depressed and okay, yes, maybe that’s true… but i don’t want to be depressed. i don’t want to spend the rest of my life ironing. and more than anything i don’t want that reason.
the other day i met a friend at the park and she very pointedly but kindly asked how i’d been and as i opened my mouth to recite “fine” i couldn’t do it. i took a breath and with a lot of embarrassment said, “i’ve been sad.” to me it sounded so lame, pathetic and weak … or like something a 5 year old would say. but i said it and then i waited for the dreaded pep talk. while there was a little pep talk what i got was kindness, listening, understanding and concern. one of the things she said was “weakness is not a sin”… as in being sad doesn’t mean i’m faithless. depression is not a sin. anxiety is not a sin.
and so that’s how i’ve been. sad. but saying it eases some of that sadness so there’s hope.
polaroid by me.
it’s not much of a list but it’s better than nothing. hopefully i’ll be able to add most substantial things to this list one day soon.
image borrowed from a house in the hills
after this post i panicked a little. that was a lot of personal “stuff” to share and even though your comments were kind and generous there was no going back. there was no taking back what i wrote and when that sunk in i felt overwhelmed.
elizabeth sent me this beautiful quote:
There is in every woman’s heart a spark of heavenly fire which lies dormant in the broad daylight of prosperity but which kindles up and beams and blazes in the dark hour of adversity.
i love this photo by henri cartier bresson. there’s not a lot of beauty around her but that little girl’s spark is shining bright.