unearthing my neglected camera
sorting through piles of old magazines
have you heard of this? after natalie posted hers i became kind of obsessed with the idea. i think it’s a good thing for two reasons:
1. it has totally kept me busy in between searching for a job and avoiding the yucky parts of life right now.
2. i am pretty sure hoarding tendencies run in my family.
i’ve always been drawn to the idea of minimalism. when i read about how people live minimally i think they must be really self actualized or have incredible self control – two qualities i very much admire. that being said i love to shop. like, it really makes me happy. sometimes even if i know i’ll probably never (or rarely) wear something i’m so drawn to a color or pattern that i end up buying it. and that, my friends, is how you end up on an episode of hoarders.
minimalist wardrobes aren’t a new thing. diana posted this years ago and i saved it because i was just so fascinated with the idea of having a tiny wardrobe. and even longer ago erin did a thirty items for thirty days challenge. so with these lovely ladies as inspiration i decided to take the plunge.
first things first i downloaded caroline’s capsule wardrobe planner and spent days browsing my pinterest boards to figure out what my style is. i still don’t really know… but as i pinned away the words that came to mind were preppy, boho, pink.
comfort: i want my clothes to fit well and be comfortable. this seems like the biggest “duh” statement but i either buy things a little too big because i don’t want them to be tight or am feeling self conscious and then end up feeling sloppy and self conscious or i hang try to make things work that aren’t quite the right size or style and end up feeling uncomfortable and self conscious.
feminine: i like a little pink or a ruffle detail here and there. i enjoy wearing skirts and dresses, and with tights. i like a some sparkle. ban.do always saves the day here.
modest: i kind of dread using that word. if anyone says “modest is the hottest” i’ll poke them in the eye. i feel most comfortable covered up. i don’t care if it’s hot or not.
structured: i really love the peasant, flowy look but it just doesn’t work for me. i promise i would wear peasant tops and chiffon skirts all day long if i could. but one thing i’ve learned about my style is that a little structure helps me feel more put together and more confident.
my have-it-all-together date is september 21st. totally doable. i think. it’s actually turned out to be a lot more effort than i anticipated. i feel like the end result will be a good thing but right now there are piles and boxes of clothes and empty hangers everywhere. my poor harlow is under the bed… which is probably a good idea.
have you ever done a capsule wardrobe? or a mini wardrobe? are you going to?
top image from ny mag featuring chloé pieces, hunting down sources for the other images
i love fall. i hate to hurry summer along because winter comes all too soon (and stays too long for my california blood) but i do love it.
some of my favorite things about fall:
i can layer on cardigans to my heart’s content
the world takes on so many beautiful colors
pumpkin chocolate chip cookies (the only pumpkin thing i like – don’t hate)
watching harlow tromp around happily in the crunchy leaves
campfires… it’s been far too long
i guess i’m getting ahead of myself but the weather has been decidedly fall-ish and i’m going to enjoy it.
what are your favorite things about fall?
“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.”
my friend pia posted on instagram that she would be posting a an untouched/un-photoshopped/un-cropped filtered photo of herself as part of the raw beauty talks movement. and my first thought was “of course she can do that, she’s gorgeous.”
but then this morning i read her post and read that she believes she’s ugly. what? i’ve read pia’s blog for years, followed her on instagram, and purchased her books. believe me when i tell you there is nothing ugly about her. everything is does is lovely and full of magic and tenderness.
anyway late last night as i was getting ready for bed i decided to snap one photo of myself and vowed that no matter what it looked like i’d post it on my blog.
i rarely post photos of myself and when i do i crop and filter like nobody’s buisness… and they still look, well, you’ve seen them. the anticipation of posting a “raw” photo made me feel a little scared and extremely vulnerable. when i look at my own face i see all of the flaws and imperfections that i think most woman see in themselves. but if i spend too long in front of the mirror i start looking for answers to questions that haunt me. what was it about my face that said “weak” or “easy target” or “loser” or “worthless” or whatever it was that made those men choose me. the whole “selfie” thing has made try to look past my own inner terrorist and try to see something worthwhile. so when i do post a photo of myself, even if it’s filtered to death, it’s because for a second i saw something of my old self. or maybe a new self that i liked. that probably sounds vain and however you feel about selfies, mine are just for me.
so here’s the photo. no make up, no contacts, hair a mess, a lovely new spot on my cheek:
so this is the last thing. the last confession or unburdening or whatever. it’s been eating away at me and i don’t know how blogging about it will help but maybe it will dislodge this brick that’s been sitting on my heart squashing it into my stomach.
“foggy whirlwinds may be your intimate companions. being up-in-the-air could be your customary vantage point. during your stay in this weird vacationland, please abstain from making conclusions about its implications for your value as a human being. remember these words from author terry braverman: “it is important to detach our sense of self-worth from transitional circumstances, and maintain perspective on who we are…”
for the last several months things have been fine. really, actually fine. not great, not awful but fine. and fine has been good enough. the last few weeks, however, have felt like one step forward, 300 steps back.
but i’ve faithfully stuck to my motto of “i’m fine” because it seems like the polite thing to do. i mean, honestly shouldn’t there be a moratorium on how long you’re allowed to feel bad about something? shouldn’t i spare my friends the same old sadness? but saying “i’m fine” while there’s a dinosaur dying a slow death in the pit of your stomach, or when all you want to do is lie down on the sidewalk and just stay there, or when you have to walk two blocks in the dark and immediately burst into frightened tears is no fun.
my solution for the last few weeks has been to hide out. keeping myself inside and busy with ridiculous things like ironing my bedding, spending way too much time on pinterest, vacuuming 4 times a day (no, really) and rearranging my bookshelves obsessively isn’t really a great solution either. and i hate ironing.
my point: depression sucks. it’s frustrating and boring and lonely and scary. hopefully it’s just part of my weird “vacationland”.
good natured friends have pointed out that i have a valid reason to be depressed and okay, yes, maybe that’s true… but i don’t want to be depressed. i don’t want to spend the rest of my life ironing. and more than anything i don’t want that reason.
the other day i met a friend at the park and she very pointedly but kindly asked how i’d been and as i opened my mouth to recite “fine” i couldn’t do it. i took a breath and with a lot of embarrassment said, “i’ve been sad.” to me it sounded so lame, pathetic and weak … or like something a 5 year old would say. but i said it and then i waited for the dreaded pep talk. while there was a little pep talk what i got was kindness, listening, understanding and concern. one of the things she said was “weakness is not a sin”… as in being sad doesn’t mean i’m faithless. depression is not a sin. anxiety is not a sin.
and so that’s how i’ve been. sad. but saying it eases some of that sadness so there’s hope.
polaroid by me.
please hurry up… please.
i can’t wait to see you again.
sorry you’re always such a mess.
dear old car,
thanks for hanging in there.
dear longer days,
thank you for the extra sunshine.
dear vegan/gluten free cookie dough,
thanks for keeping my sweet tooth in check… mostly.
thanks for being the perfect pup.
i cannot quit you.
photo credit info unknown