i’ll get there

July 18, 2013
some days it feel like i haven’t made any progress getting back to the old or normal “me”. or maybe i’ll have a few good days in a row and then a panic attack or a really bad day smacks in the face and it feels like i’m starting all over again and that any progress i might have made is wiped out. it’s hard to be objective about your own progress. 

i was reading nie nie’s blog and last month she blogged about doing a flip on the trampoline for the first time since her accident. she was really excited and proud of herself and brought her whole family out to watch her do it again. and even though i don’t read her blog much i was proud of her too. 

i’ve been thinking if there was anything in my own life that i could consider progress. sometimes i feel so very far away from where i was that progress doesn’t even seem possible. like the distance between then and now is too great. BUT in an effort to focus on the positive i did think of a few things and while they might not seem like a big deal to someone else they mean something to me. each one of them means a step towards getting my life and “me” back. 

1. i started blogging again. // for me this has been huge whether or not anyone is reading it. 

2. i moved to utah. // at the time it felt like i was running away and maybe i was but it was a risk leaving the familiar and “start overing” somewhere else. 

3. movies under the stars. // i don’t like being out at night much. my anxiety is peaked and it’s hard for me to relax and enjoy myself. i also tend to get nervous in big crowds but last week i went to see an outdoor movie on the lawns of the utah capitol. i brought harlow with me and that helped and we met friends for a picnic before the movie and i even saw some of my former students there. it was sort of fun. i can’t say i was totally at ease but i did it. (harlow, on the other hand, had the time of her life – sneaking over to other people’s blankets to try and snuggle with them and making friends with a poodle named cosette and loving every single kid she could get to.) 

4. finding the perfect waterproof eyeliner. // okay this doesn’t really count as progress but as i mentioned before my emotions are pretty much right at the surface 90% of the time and i cry, well, a lot. i’d basically given up on eyeliner because no matter what brand i tried it always lead to a very unattractive raccoon face. however stila’s stay all day liquid eyeliner is pretty cry proof.

it’s not much of a list but it’s better than nothing. hopefully i’ll be able to add most substantial things to this list one day soon.

image borrowed from a house in the hills

summer playlist

July 16, 2013

for the last nine months or so (since i’ve been in my little house) i haven’t had any internet or television other than my phone. let’s just say it’s been interesting. i didn’t miss having a tv and my house really is too small for one (really, it’s tiny) but i sort of felt cut off a little bit. anway… i’ve been listening to a lot of music. it’s been fun to go through old playlists on my ipod and dig up old cd’s and the flash dance’s monthly playlists are always good. always. 
utah has been crazy hot this summer but i live for utah summer nights – warm and breezy and balmy. my friend alyson gifted me her hammock and my favorite thing to do is sit out there with harlow listening to music. 
here are a few of my favorite summer songs. enjoy!
local natives – wide eyes
group love – don’t say oh well
camera obscura – french navy
little joy – next time around
smallpools – dreaming 
martin solveig – hello
photo by lynn_0517

a spark

July 15, 2013

after this post i panicked a little. that was a lot of personal “stuff” to share and even though your comments were kind and generous there was no going back. there was no taking back what i wrote and when that sunk in i felt overwhelmed.

elizabeth sent me this beautiful quote:

There is in every woman’s heart a spark of heavenly fire which lies dormant in the broad daylight of prosperity but which kindles up and beams and blazes in the dark hour of adversity.

i love this photo by henri cartier bresson. there’s not a lot of beauty around her but that little girl’s spark is shining bright.

bastille day

July 14, 2013

photo bastille4.jpg

a few summers ago i participated in nicole and candice’s photo retreat in france. we spent bastille day in the south of france watching the fireworks in the dorgogne valley below. it was pretty spectacular.

happy bastille day francophiles!

a thank you and a weekend wrap up

July 12, 2013



you guys. i don’t know what to say. thank you so much for the kind, supportive, encouraging words. thank you doesn’t seem like enough. 
when i was writing that post i was preparing myself for the worst – for people to be critical, judgmental, annoyed, weird and i don’t know what else. i did not prepare myself for the outpouring of kindness and compassion that came. thank you. each comment, tweet, email, and text was like a healing balm to my soul. 
i know not everything will change at once and that there will still be hard days and sleepless nights but letting go of that feels like a big step in the right direction. so thank you again. thank you for giving me hope, for helping me breathe a little easier and for just being here. 
and now some happy things.

my friend and i saw despicable me 2 and it was so funny and sweet.

this also made me smile. i’m a sucker for a flash mob.

i like dustin hoffman a little bit more.

boston bombing survivor recovers like a super hero.

have a wonderful, safe weekend! harlow is having a sleep over all weekend. she’s super excited!

this awesome “defaced” polaroid is by the one and only jen gotch

little letters

July 8, 2013

dear summer,
i love your sunshine-y ways.

dear blog,
i missed you.

dear ocean,
i wish you were a little bit closer.

dear friends,
why are so many of you moving to arizona this summer?

dear old iPod,
thank you for still having my “london baby” playlist. that made me happy this morning.

dear harlow,
i just love you.

dear figs,
are you in season yet?

dear california jury duty,
i moved.

dear person cracking yourself up at the library,
please calm down.

dear finn & sadie,
thanks for making me laugh.

starting over

July 3, 2013

um, hi.

i’m not even sure what to say. what do you say when you start a blog over? i don’t really know.

it has really been a long time and so much has happened and i’ve changed in so many ways. but i missed the little place on the web i’d created as my “home”. when a friend asked me what i enjoyed doing and what i could do “for me” a little voice in the back of my head whispered, “blogging.” i loved the creative (and sometimes not so creative) outlet and mostly the community of people i had met and interacted with that had become friends.

so here i am. starting over. i think it took me so long to come back because i was scared about explaining why i left. but that’s not for today.

today i’m just here to say hi.

and ps, i love july. have a wonderful (and safe!) 4th of july weekend!

now i just need to work on getting this place looking decent.

tiptoeing back

August 14, 2012

i logged back into my blog this morning for the first time in months. what a sad blog it’s turned into. that was never my intention. if i were a lot braver i’d tell you everything that happened. but i’m not. but today i will tell you happy things. i am sitting at a friends house in front of wide open windows with the nicest breeze blowing in. there are big green trees outside and the neighborhood looks so peaceful. you may have seen me mention on twitterthat i moved back to utah. through friends and blessings and a little serendipity i found a teeny, tiny house in salt lake. it’s just perfect for harlow and me. i’m not joking when i say it’s teeny. but the yard is big and there are two giant old trees and well, it just feels right and good. my friend billie and her family have been so generously letting harlow and i live in her basement while we wait for the house to be ready. harlow loves having a 2 year old to play with. i like it too. i’m going back to california this weekend for a few days with the johnson family. they’ve been the biggest support and strength to me while i’ve struggled through this last year. i cannot wait to see them. and shaylyn and her husband are back in town for a few weeks and i’m loving every second i get to spend with them. i can’t wait to get settled into salt lake and into my new home. and i can’t wait to share photos with you. i hope i can create a beautiful home on very little budget.