home sweet california

i never feel homesick for california until i get here and then i remember why i love it.

i just want to sniff the eucalyptus trees, eat tri tip sandwiches, drive around with sand between my toes and enjoy the warm sunshine and cool breezes.

it’s all so familiar and quiet. pleasantly quiet.

 In this there is no measuring with time, a year doesn’t matter, and ten years are nothing. … not numbering and counting, but ripening like a tree, which doesn’t force its sap, and stands confidently in the storms of spring, not afraid that afterward summer may not come. It does come. But it comes only to those who are patient, who are there as if eternity lay before them, so unconcernedly silent and vast. I learn it every day of my life, learn it with pain I am grateful for: patience is everything!

Rainer Maria Rilke

i’ll get there

some days it feel like i haven’t made any progress getting back to the old or normal “me”. or maybe i’ll have a few good days in a row and then a panic attack or a really bad day smacks in the face and it feels like i’m starting all over again and that any progress i might have made is wiped out. it’s hard to be objective about your own progress. 

i was reading nie nie’s blog and last month she blogged about doing a flip on the trampoline for the first time since her accident. she was really excited and proud of herself and brought her whole family out to watch her do it again. and even though i don’t read her blog much i was proud of her too. 

i’ve been thinking if there was anything in my own life that i could consider progress. sometimes i feel so very far away from where i was that progress doesn’t even seem possible. like the distance between then and now is too great. BUT in an effort to focus on the positive i did think of a few things and while they might not seem like a big deal to someone else they mean something to me. each one of them means a step towards getting my life and “me” back. 

1. i started blogging again. // for me this has been huge whether or not anyone is reading it. 

2. i moved to utah. // at the time it felt like i was running away and maybe i was but it was a risk leaving the familiar and “start overing” somewhere else. 

3. movies under the stars. // i don’t like being out at night much. my anxiety is peaked and it’s hard for me to relax and enjoy myself. i also tend to get nervous in big crowds but last week i went to see an outdoor movie on the lawns of the utah capitol. i brought harlow with me and that helped and we met friends for a picnic before the movie and i even saw some of my former students there. it was sort of fun. i can’t say i was totally at ease but i did it. (harlow, on the other hand, had the time of her life – sneaking over to other people’s blankets to try and snuggle with them and making friends with a poodle named cosette and loving every single kid she could get to.) 

4. finding the perfect waterproof eyeliner. // okay this doesn’t really count as progress but as i mentioned before my emotions are pretty much right at the surface 90% of the time and i cry, well, a lot. i’d basically given up on eyeliner because no matter what brand i tried it always lead to a very unattractive raccoon face. however stila’s stay all day liquid eyeliner is pretty cry proof.

it’s not much of a list but it’s better than nothing. hopefully i’ll be able to add most substantial things to this list one day soon.

image borrowed from a house in the hills

summer playlist

for the last nine months or so (since i’ve been in my little house) i haven’t had any internet or television other than my phone. let’s just say it’s been interesting. i didn’t miss having a tv and my house really is too small for one (really, it’s tiny) but i sort of felt cut off a little bit. anway… i’ve been listening to a lot of music. it’s been fun to go through old playlists on my ipod and dig up old cd’s and the flash dance’s monthly playlists are always good. always. 
utah has been crazy hot this summer but i live for utah summer nights – warm and breezy and balmy. my friend alyson gifted me her hammock and my favorite thing to do is sit out there with harlow listening to music. 
here are a few of my favorite summer songs. enjoy!
photo by lynn_0517

fruits of summer

in a perfect world i’d live somewhere with fall weather and summer fruit. not that i’m complaining. california’s not so bad.

earlier this week i bought an enormous watermelon and it made me ridiculously happy. it must have been a really long time since i’ve had a watermelon because i don’t remember them being so perfectly sweet and wonderful. and surprisingly (to me at least) there are lots of ways to enjoy it:

bonnie mentioned eating it with a little basil sprinkled on top (as pictured above), i’ve also had it with a few fresh mint leaves, jasmine makes a mean watermelon salad, i remember when i was little my dad and i would eat it with a little sea salt sprinkled on top and of course plain and sweet is always a favorite.

watermelon, you can do no wrong.

are there any fruits you look forward to in the summer?

photo credit: shoko and bonnie tsang