life lately

this is not a christmas post. sorry. there has been a lot going on over the last few months that has not be pleasant or happy or sunshine-y. i don’t want to weigh my blog down with sad posts but pretending everything is perfect doesn’t seem right either. so read if you want, or pass and hopefully i’ll have a sunshine post soon. i really hope i do.

a few months ago i had to deal with something that was very scary and painful and life threatening. i’m still dealing with it. maybe i’m not handling it as well as i should be. i don’t know. well probably. i should be braver, stronger, more grateful, etc.

i went to talk to someone about what was going on and they referred me to someone else. i talked to the second person. they referred me to talk to someone else. i talked to the third person… which was a disaster. opening up to three complete strangers (and then being “sent away”) was humiliating and difficult to say the least. the thought of trying again with a fourth person, well, feels too overwhelming. but unfortunately, probably necessary. but for now i’m left feeling incredibly frustrated.

during this time my family sort of well, imploded. there’s a lot of hurt and anger between my siblings and my parents. i’m not going to air my family’s dirty laundry on the internet but somehow in the midst of problems that i’m not involved in, i became a target for their combined anger. one thing i’ve learned is that people usually lash out at people that they know will be most likely to forgive them when everything blows over. so i’m counting on it all blowing over and am trying not to give into my own hurt feelings.

i was living alone, which led to a serious lack of sleep and increased anxiety. i’ve always loved sleep and sleep like a log. i had no idea what is was like to just not be able to fall asleep or to fall asleep and wake up multiple times throughout the night. i’ve thought about taking melatonin or looking into other sleep aids but i think deep down i don’t want to sleep. i mean i want to sleep but i feel like i need to be alert and wake. so harlow and i moved in with a friend and her family. it was hard to accept their generous offer but i was so grateful when they showed up at my house, packed me up and moved me in. and i feel so grateful for their kindness and patience. and honestly it’s been a good distraction. (3 kids, two bunnies, 2 geckos, 2 dogs = good distraction).

and christmas. i usually love, love, love christmas. i was singing christmas songs (in my car) back in september. maybe i used up all my christmas cheer prematurely. it will be weird not to spend christmas with my family this year especially since they all live nearby. i love my saviour and love to celebrate his birth and this life. but i’d sort of like to skip the rest.

and to top it all off i’m so frustrated with myself. i want to be happy and shiny and get excited about holiday things and laugh at stupid things. i go between telling myself i’m a whiney, selfish, grinch, baby who just needs to get it together and realizing that i probably should cut myself a little slack and give myself time to grieve and heal.

five things

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not long ago i read on meg’s blog that everyday you should do five things you don’t want to do and you should do them before noon.

today that included: getting out of bed, washing my hair, and making an appointment to talk to a therapist. yikes. i know that’s only three things but i promise it felt like five.

here are five songs for your weekend:

please, please, please
ophelia
always love
here comes the sun
here comes a regular

like salt

sandreflected

Before you know what kindness really is

you must lose things,

feel the future dissolve in a moment

like salt in a weakened broth
.

What you held in your hand,

what you counted and carefully saved,

all this must go so you know

how desolate the landscape can be

between the regions of kindness.

How you ride and ride

thinking the bus will never stop,

the passengers eating maize and chicken

will stare out the window forever.

Before you learn the tender gravity of kindness,

you must travel where the Indian in a white poncho

lies dead by the side of the road.

You must see how this could be you,

how he too was someone

who journeyed through the night with plans

and the simple breath that kept him alive.

Before you know kindness as the deepest thing

inside,

you must know sorrow as the other deepest thing.

You must wake up with sorrow.

You must speak to it till your voice

catches the thread of all sorrows

and you see the size of the cloth.

Then it is only kindness that makes sense anymore,

only kindness that ties your shoes

and sends you out into the day to mail letters and

purchase bread,

only kindness that raises its head

from the crowd of the world to say

It is I you have been looking for,

and then goes with you everywhere

like a shadow or a friend.

Naomi Shihab Nye