this is not a christmas post. sorry. there has been a lot going on over the last few months that has not be pleasant or happy or sunshine-y. i don’t want to weigh my blog down with sad posts but pretending everything is perfect doesn’t seem right either. so read if you want, or pass and hopefully i’ll have a sunshine post soon. i really hope i do.

a few months ago i had to deal with something that was very scary and painful and life threatening. i’m still dealing with it. maybe i’m not handling it as well as i should be. i don’t know. well probably. i should be braver, stronger, more grateful, etc.

i went to talk to someone about what was going on and they referred me to someone else. i talked to the second person. they referred me to talk to someone else. i talked to the third person… which was a disaster. opening up to three complete strangers (and then being “sent away”) was humiliating and difficult to say the least. the thought of trying again with a fourth person, well, feels too overwhelming. but unfortunately, probably necessary. but for now i’m left feeling incredibly frustrated.

during this time my family sort of well, imploded. there’s a lot of hurt and anger between my siblings and my parents. i’m not going to air my family’s dirty laundry on the internet but somehow in the midst of problems that i’m not involved in, i became a target for their combined anger. one thing i’ve learned is that people usually lash out at people that they know will be most likely to forgive them when everything blows over. so i’m counting on it all blowing over and am trying not to give into my own hurt feelings.

i was living alone, which led to a serious lack of sleep and increased anxiety. i’ve always loved sleep and sleep like a log. i had no idea what is was like to just not be able to fall asleep or to fall asleep and wake up multiple times throughout the night. i’ve thought about taking melatonin or looking into other sleep aids but i think deep down i don’t want to sleep. i mean i want to sleep but i feel like i need to be alert and wake. so harlow and i moved in with a friend and her family. it was hard to accept their generous offer but i was so grateful when they showed up at my house, packed me up and moved me in. and i feel so grateful for their kindness and patience. and honestly it’s been a good distraction. (3 kids, two bunnies, 2 geckos, 2 dogs = good distraction).

and christmas. i usually love, love, love christmas. i was singing christmas songs (in my car) back in september. maybe i used up all my christmas cheer prematurely. it will be weird not to spend christmas with my family this year especially since they all live nearby. i love my saviour and love to celebrate his birth and this life. but i’d sort of like to skip the rest.

and to top it all off i’m so frustrated with myself. i want to be happy and shiny and get excited about holiday things and laugh at stupid things. i go between telling myself i’m a whiney, selfish, grinch, baby who just needs to get it together and realizing that i probably should cut myself a little slack and give myself time to grieve and heal.