a flash of delight

Is it Friday?

No, it’s only Monday. Ugh.

Is it too late to put myself up for adoption? Yes? Rats.

I hate to post negative/complaining/whiney things when I have SO much to be grateful for so please forgive me. I’ll try and keep it to a minimum.

I guess this all sort of goes back to this post. When I moved back to Cali almost two years ago I was so excited to be closer to my family. But not long after I got back things began to seriously fall apart. Don’t worry I’m not going to air my family’s dirty laundry all over the internet. No matter how crazy things have gotten I love them and I always will. My brother and his family have struggled and for the last two years I’ve made pretty significant sacrifices to try and help them. But two years later I feel like maybe I’ve been an enabler more than a helper. It’s all become this huge entangled mess with my parents and my siblings and me stuck in the middle. But with everything that has happened I feel like I don’t even know them anymore. It doesn’t really help that my family doesn’t communicate very well at all. We exchange information just fine… but talking about things? Not so much.

I guess that point of all of this is that I feel like I need to move. Fast. I know what some of you are probably thinking… that I always feel like I want to move and that is sort of true. But right now I feel like I have to for my own well being. That, of course leads to feelings of guilt that I’m abandoning my family or running away from my problems. Maybe I am. In spite of all these crazy mixed up feelings I have pretty much put my life on hold for the last two years and I can tell that it’s beginning to change me. I don’t want to come to resent my family in any way and I’m afraid that is where all of this is leading to. And I don’t want these troubles to keep me from leading my own life and following my own dreams.

I read a quote when I was living in London years and years ago that said, “There comes a point in ever situation when determination serves no purpose and becomes an end unto itself. Know when to move on.” Sometimes I feel like the need to “stick it out” often keeps me in situations where I should move on. Or sacrificing what I want or need in an effort to make something work out.

Okay that’s enough of that. End of the whiney post. If you are thinking I’m selfish, childish, cowardly, spiteful or anything of that nature well, there is a good change you are right. I don’t like feeling this way at all.

I’m committed to my job until the end of the year and after that I will be making a change. I have to.

photo by danske