a flash of delight

a good cry

for someone who enjoys poking fun at herself and the world around her, it’s tough to know what to say when there are so many emotions floating around that have nothing to do with laughter. and so… i’ve decided to write how i’m really feeling. acknowledging that somewhere deep inside, i probably just need a good cry.

there’s been so much to think about over this last month or so. family. birth. death. patience. faith. babies. miracles. hope. lately it seems like the list of people on my “to pray for” list has grown by the day if not by the hour. and it’s been hard to see how some prayers are answered with joy… and some are answered with almost heartbreaking saddness, white others seem to go unanswered (or it least it can seem that way when you’re as impatient as i am). there have been so many moments this month where i’ve known so clearly that the life of a friend or family member had just changed forever. and yet it is truly a miracle when, amid so much chaos, there is still evidence of heavenly father’s loving hand at work.

How we pled for the waters to part.

Now we kneel here in the sand, grateful
for every unanswered plea
that proved us.
Faith is the mountain that does not flee,
the water that does not part,
the rock that won’t turn into bread

this is part of a poem my companion and i read while serving our missions in minnesota. i remember reading it and knowing exactly how the author felt… to be grateful for the trials that didn’t turn out the way you wanted because it proved your faith to go on, to retain hope, to show courage. i remember how much that poem meant to me on my mission because i knew it was true and i was grateful for those “unanswered pleas” because they were driving me to my knees in prayer over and over and I could feel my faith growing and i knew i was drawing closer to my savior. i guess i’ve been trying to get back to that level of faith and trust. not that i’ve lost it but the world pulls and it’s easy to forget.

i wish there was a way to truly describe how much i love the people in my life. i must have won some pre-mortal lottery or something. i’m pretty sure i haven’t done anything good enough in this life to deserve them. mostly, i am in awe. i am in total awe of their compassion, their courage, their devotion, and their good hearts. over the last few months i’ve cried as i’ve watched family members face tragedy after tragedy and i’ve rejoiced in our ever expanding family; i’ve been so grateful to work at a company that has appreciated my efforts over the last 6 months, and completely frustrated with various coworkers; i’ve said numerous prayers in faith and more than a few in desperate impatience; i’ve relished “starting over” in california, with old friends and family so close and cried because i’ve missed my friends in other parts of the world so much. i’ve also cried over a lost CD. so sometimes i just have to roll my eyes at myself. and so… that’s me. that’s how i’m really feeling. sad. happy. frustrated. determined. overjoyed. heartbroken. melancholy. grateful. bored. chaotic. impatient. patient. mostly i’m grateful to be able to share this thing called life with so many amazing souls. thanks for that.

and now… off to watch something funny on youtube or something and get back to laughing and ready for my trip to utah tomorrow!