dig yourself a hole

bekka sent this to me from seth godin’s blog and it was exactly what i needed.

Make big promises.

Burn your boats.

Set yourself up in a place where you have few options and the stakes are high.

Focused energy and serious intent will push you to do your best work. You have nowhere to run, nowhere to hide. (Better than the alternative).

when i was 19 i moved to london on my own. i’d never lived away from home, i’d never been out of the country, i only knew the family i was staying with through a handful of emails but off i went… without a second though.

and here i am years later, wanting desperately to move, to go somewhere new and now there are a thousand little voices in my head saying “but what if it doesn’t work out?”, “what if you don’t find a job?”, “what if you find a job and it’s worse than the one you have?”, “shouldn’t you save more money first?”, “maybe just wait another month…”

who am i? i’ve gotten so good at looking before i leap that i leap less and less. i’m afraid i’ve gotten comfortable in my rut. but that’s not even true. i’m very uncomfortable in my rut. i told my home teacher on sunday i was going to stay here for the rest of the year and move in the new year. i didn’t sleep a wink that night and had that kittens-drowning-in-my-stomach feeling for the rest of the day.

i think i’m ready. i’m ready to work hard and pray hard and challenge myself. harlow’s ready too.

photo by red_one

use your whole heart, it’s good for you

elizabeth wrote this post awhile ago and this phrase has been running through my head since i read it.

this year i’ve really be trying to do things that are good for me: eating healthier, exercising more, being tidier, reading my scriptures more. you get the idea. i feel like i’ve been pretty successful at those things and that makes me happy.

but i don’t feel like i’ve been using my whole heart. i hold back a huge chunk. it’s not something i’m proud of and i’m not sure how to change it. when i was in high school my favorite teacher and mentor would often remind me that i had a tendency to hold back. his motto was “you never lose by trying, you only lose by holding back.” i knew he was right but i didn’t know what to do about it.

in her post elizabeth mentions this ted talk. i’ve listened to it twice now and i’m sure i’ll listen to it again. she talks about the necessity of being vulnerable and the willingness to do things where there are no guarantees and the importance of letting go of who you think you should be in order to be who you are. that really resonated with me. she talks about the power that comes from living whole-heartedly. it’s a great talk.

holding back has a lot to do with fear. if i allow myself to be vulnerable then people might not like me or might judge me or the things i’ve been through. but if i don’t let them see my whole self/heart and they don’t like me well, it’s okay, because they don’t really know me. you see, it’s not a pretty cycle.

i’m not even really sure what i’m trying to say. i think i’ve just reached a point in my life where i’m realizing that if i want my life to progress the way i want it to i need to use my whole heart and stop being afraid or ashamed or whatever it is that’s standing in my way. that said there are some things i need to do. i’ve referred to them as “scary things” before but now they are just necessary things so that i can live my life with my whole heart. it’s not something i’m looking forward to. that sounds really weird and cryptic but basically i just need to deal with some things and let them go. it terrifies me but i know it will be good for me and for the people around me. i want to be the best version of me. that version is a whole-hearted person.

sorry if this post is a little weird. it’s been on my mind a lot lately so i thought i’d share it with you. maybe i’m not alone in my fear of being vulnerable or maybe i am and i can learn from all of you wonderful souls.

also i cannot express how much i enjoy elizabeth’s blog. i love the way she embraces and loves her life and her family and finds beauty in the world. if you haven’t visited her blog then you’re missing out on something beautiful.

and how great is that photo by eva? i love it.